Guo Fairy Tales
by Nan Ma
Summary: Grimm's Fairy Tales were never meant to be told with Three Kingdoms people. But thanks to some insomniac little buggers that's exactly what you're getting.
1. Three Little Pigs: Three Oath Brothers

I dislike notes in the beginning, but I think this one's just too cracky to do without.

The three kiddos on the east coast apparently have insomnia or just don't want to go to sleep. And guess what their bedtime story turned into? So I made up a quickie for three little boogers who should damn well be sleeping while they can, you hear? I liked the idea and rewrote it in non-chat form.

Yup. Have fun.

_

* * *

Once upon a time there were three little pigs who decided to go out into the world. The eldest pig went first, and as he trotted along the road he met a man carrying a bundle of straw. _

Upon seeing the straw, something ticked inside of Liu Bei and age-old hard-wired instincts began to boil inside of him.

"Must… Weave…. Sandals..."

_So he said very politely:_

_"If you please, sir, could you give me that straw to build me a house?"_

_And the man, seeing what good manners the little pig had, gave him the straw, and the little pig set to work and built a beautiful house with it._

"You! Peasant! I am the scion of the Han Imperial house! I demand your hard-cut straw!"

"But- but how am I supposed to feed my family?" the peasant cried.

"Righteousness! Loyalty! The Mandate of Heaven! The Imperial Throne! Usurpers and loyalists! Legitimacy! The Imperial Han!" Liu Bei shouted. And like it always had for his whole life, hollering random phrases of high-minded rhetoric with little or no application or relevance to the situation at hand worked and he got the straw.

Of course Liu Bei had no clue how to build a house so he did the best he could.

…So after he finished the third hundredth shoe he strung them together to make a hobo shack made out of footwear.

* * *

_Now, the next piggy, when he started, met a man carrying a bundle of furze, and, being very polite, he said to him:_

_"If you please, sir, could you give me that furze to build me a house?"_

"What the hell's a furze?" the peasant asked suspiciously. "And why are you blushing? You're not going to take my wood like that other sod who took my first source of livelihood, are you?"

"The wood is a lie. It is stopping you from the path to glory and honor. If you have dignity and virtue you will surely hand over the wood to me," Guan Yu said nobly.

"But why? I have a family to feed and this firewood-"

"I _said_ if you are a wise and honorable man you would give me the wood."

"Honorable and wise I'm not but hungry I am," the peasant replied. "Sorry, but I've already trekked an extra thirty miles to get this wood after some whackjob took my straw."

"Well you can't eat the wood, can you? Thanks," Guan Yu said, grabbing the wood anyways, because when you're over five feet in China you can do whatever you want.

_And the man, seeing what good manners the little pig had, gave him the furze, and the little pig set to work and built himself a beautiful house._

"I still have no idea what a furze is…" Guan Yu muttered as he leaned the planks together to make a shack, which promptly fell down. "Blast and curses! How do those poor people get this stuff to work? Doesn't it come with batteries?"

Later, he settled for the classic, timeless lean-to shack model which worked for his purposes as long as it wasn't raining.

* * *

_Now the third little piggy, when he started, met a man carrying a load of bricks, and, being very polite, he said:_

_"If you please sir, could you give me those bricks to build me a house?" _

"Hah! Cool bricks! I'll take them!" Zhang Fei shouted.

"Oh no! Not another one of you brothers! This is my very last source of income and I have to feed my family after two other guys took my stuff and now I have to walk an extra sixty-four miles to sell for food!" the peasant cries. "Being a peasant sucks!"

"I said I'll take them!" Zhang Fei declared.

And he did.

_And the man, seeing that he had been well brought up, gave him the bricks, and the little pig set to work and built himself a beautiful house._

Zhang Fei prodded the unconscious peasant with his food before starting to stack up bricks.

* * *

_Now, a wolf happened to pass the first little pig's path; and he saw the house that the first little pig built out of straw, and he smelt the pig inside._

_So he knocked at the door and said:_

_"Little pig! Little pig! Let me in! Let me in!" _

Liu Bei peeked out the window and gasped in delight. "Lu Bu!" exclaimed he. "Boy am I glad to see you! This surely can't be a repeat of Xiapi, can it?"

"…Of course not you gullible buffoon," Lu Bu coughed. "I'm uh, a salesman. I'm just here to sell halberds. See this shiny one? Can I stick it through the door at you to show you the pointy tip?"

_But the little pig saw the wolf's big paws through the keyhole, so he answered back:_

_"No! No! No! by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"_

_Then the wolf showed his teeth and said:_

_"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in."_

Liu Bei stared for a moment before coughing. "No, I don't have halberds, I have suspiciously phallic swords for weapons. …I… Have compensation issues that make Taishi Ci look like a self-secure man. Are you trying to sell me bootleg junk?"

"Bootleg junk? No! I'm just trying to get my weapon within range of your head, that's all," Lu Bu said earnestly.

Liu Bei narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Is this some kind of trick? You're trying to steal my new house, aren't you, like you did my fortified stronghold that I totally was trusting you with?"

"CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!" Lu Bu roared angrily. "HOW EVER DID YOU KNOW?"

"Because I'm _hella_ smart!" Liu Bei boasted.

"Anyways, you wanna take a look at my merchandise anyways?" Lu Bu asked.

"Sure." Liu Bei opened the door.

"HAHA FOOL!" roared Lu Bu.

_And then the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the house of straw down, and the first little pig fled to take shelter with the second little pig._

_Once again it happened that when it was finished the wolf chanced to come that way; and he saw the house, and he smelt the pig inside._

_So he knocked at the door and said:_

_"Little pig! Little pig! Let me in! Let me in!"_

_But the little pig peeped through the keyhole and saw the wolf's great eyes, so he answered:_

_"No! No! No! by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"_

_"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!" says the wolf, showing his teeth._

"This is a sweet joint you have Second Brother," Liu Bei said appreciatively. "I mean, it's better than my place. At least people don't keep trying to walk over it."

"That's because I built it more than two feet high," Guan Yu said solemnly. "Wine?"

"Sure, thanks!"

There was a knocking at the door.

"Hello! I'm a Mysterious Merchant!" called a barely-disguised voice. "Do you want to buy various body parts from endangered species?"

Guan Yu looked outside. "It's Lu Bu," he said simply.

"Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice and shame on me!" Liu Bei bellowed. "Lu Bu, I know you're trying to get in!"

"No I'm not! Here, why don't I stay out here, but if you open the door a little bit I'll push the box in to you show in case you're interested.

"Why not," Liu Bei said, and before Guan Yu could yell "it's a trap," Liu Bei unlocked the door. "It's open!"

Lu Be wedged the box in the door, and when Liu Bei bent to pick it up, he slammed the door open.

"HAHA! FOOLS!"

_So he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house in. And the two little pigs fled to take shelter with the third little pig._

* * *

"This is kind of cramped," Guan Yu said reluctantly.

"Hey, don't hate on me! You guys are the ones who build crappy shacks!" Zhang Fei snapped.

"Not that you didn't…" Liu Bei whined.

_It happened that the wolf passed by the third house and knew the little pigs to be inside. So he knocked at the door and said:_

_"Little pig! Little pig! Let me in! Let me in!"_

_But the little pig peeped through the keyhole and saw the wolf's great eyes, so he answered:_

_"No! No! No! by the hair of my chinny chin chin!"_

_"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!" says the wolf, showing his teeth._

There was a sound at the door. "Knock, knock! I'm a Mysterious Merchant and this time I'm here to sell you junk that you don't need!"

"Lu Bu, we know it's you!" Guan Yu shouted.

"CURSES!" Lu Bu roared.

"Go away or we're calling Cao Cao!" Liu Bei warned.

"Well, don't you want to see my merchandise?" Lu Bu asked, polishing his weapon. "This time, if you open your window I can stick it in-"

"Sure!" Liu Bei exclaimed, but was stopped by Guan Yu and Zhang Fei sitting on him.

"Fool him once shame on you, fool him twice shame on him, but fool him three times and I really have to wonder why we're following this idiot around," Guan Yu said sagely. "Go away, Lu Bu! We're not opening the door!"

"Awww, come on! I just want to be friends!"

"Go away!"

_Well! he huffed and he puffed. He puffed and he huffed. And he huffed, huffed, and he puffed, puffed; but he could not blow the house down. At last he was so out of breath that he couldn't huff and he couldn't puff any more. Finally, he got the idea of entering through the chimney. So the wolf climbed up to the roof and held himself above the chimney before crawling inside._

"No, really! To show my sincerity I'll put my halberd down where you can see it and walk in empty-handed!"

"That sounds safe enough! We could use a man like him to compensate over my lack of masculinity," Liu Bei said.

"If he doesn't have his weapon I don't see the problem," Guan Yu said, and after making sure Lu Bu had laid his weapons down he opened the door. Lu Bu extended his hands to show that they were empty and walked in.

"Wait, doesn't Lu Bu know barehanded combat?" Zhang Fei asked.

Lu Bu grinned. "Yes."

_But the little pigs were ready. They put a cauldron of boiling water in the fireplace, and when the wolf came through he fell into the cauldron and drowned._

"Wait, but there's only one of you. And there's three of us," Guan Yu said.

Lu Bu stopped. "Huh. Well, I didn't notice. But I do have the strength of ten thousand men," he asserted.

Liu Bei shook his head. "But each of us has the strength of five thousand men. That makes fifteen thousand men and more than you."

"Curses! I knew I should have taken basic arithmetic!" Lu Bu swore.

So the three brothers beat him up and sent him back to the capital.

And they lived happily ever after.

Guan Yu sighed as his head bumped the ceiling. "…We need a new house."


	2. Cinderella: Guo Nuwang, Cao Pi

_**T**__here was once a rich man whose wife lay sick, and when she felt her end drawing near she called to her only daughter to come near her bed, and said, "Dear child, be pious and good, and God will always take care of you, and I will look down upon you from heaven, and will be with you."_

"Guo Nuwang… Heed my words," Mother said. "Never trust a dog with orange eyebrows…"

"I won't," Guo Nuwang said. "Now can you give me some actually useful advice? Like how to manage household finances, keep Father sober, and basically avoid going crazy in this godawful place?"

"My dear… If I knew how, I would have done so a long time ago. Good luck, don't die early," Guo Nuwang's mother said, and died.

* * *

_The rich man remarried, and the new wife brought two daughters home with her, and they were beautiful and fair in appearance, but at heart were, black and ugly._ _And then began very evil times for the poor step-daughter. The new wife brought two daughters home with her, and they were beautiful and fair in appearance, but at heart were black and ugly. "Is the stupid creature to sit in the same room with us?" She was obliged to do heavy work from morning to night, get up early in the morning, draw water, make the fires, cook, and wash._

Stepmother settled down to bed after a hard day of household economics, only to realize that her sheets smelled oddly of urine and spittle.

* * *

_In the evenings, when she was quite tired out with her hard day's work, she had no bed to lie on, but was obliged to rest on the hearth among the cinders. And as she always looked dusty and dirty, they named her Cinderella._

Lady Du dropped her sewing. "What's that… Smell? Did someone let the neighborhood hobo in?"

"It's Guo Nuwang," Stepmother sighed.

"The neighbors came and complained about the dog's smell. And we don't even have a dog!" Lady Zhen exclaimed. "Nuwang, just go take a bath or something!"

"I'm busy and I don't feel like it! Go wank yourself!" Guo Nuwang snapped.

* * *

_Cinderella grew more and more beautiful with time. Because acne pockmarks, frizzy hair, a body like a barrel and short fat legs must be the height of aesthetics somewhere. _

_It happened one day that the father went to the fair, and he asked his two step-daughters what he should bring back for them. "Fine clothes!" said one. "Pearls and jewels!" said the other. "But what will you have, Cinderella?" said he._

"I just want you to tell your stepdaughters and new wife to stop abusing me. I mean you're just standing there watching it all and you don't do anything? What kind of half-assed excuse for a human being are you?" Guo Nuwang snapped.

* * *

_She replied that she only wanted the first twig that bumped against his hat._

"If anyone, _I_ should be the one abusing them. I mean I was here first and look at them- they couldn't think their way out of a cardboard box!"

* * *

_He gave the hazel-twig to Cinderella._

"What the hell, Pops? A stick?"

* * *

_She thanked him, and went to her mother's grave, and planted this twig there, weeping so bitterly that the tears fell upon it and watered it, and it flourished and became a fine tree. Cinderella went to see it three times a day, and wept and prayed, and each time a white bird rose up from the tree, and if she uttered any wish the bird brought her whatever she had wished for._

"I wish I wasn't being abused and that I was out of this stupid story." Guo Nuwang crossed her arms and waited. "And why the hell is Old Mum buried in the backyard?"

_Cinderella of course never wished for anything of that sort, despite the fact that she could._

"What!"

_Cinderella never attempted to change her fortunes by herself in a more plausible way than being a really easy lay. Anyways, __it came to pass that the king ordained a festival that should last for three days, and to which all the beautiful young women of that country were bidden, so that the king's son might choose a bride from among them, __so she went out to the tree and sang to the birds-_

Guo Nuwang started chucking rocks at the pigeons. "Stupid flying rats, that's for pooping all over my stuff! Hah! Take that! Bang, headshot!"

_Uh, aside from some questionably inhumane actions that might be interpreted as animal abuse, Cinderella was kind and pious so she cried out her troubles like this._

"Ninety-nine stupid old birds on the wall, ninety-nine smelly old turds! Take one down, brains all around, ninety-eight-"

_Actually she sang, _

'_Dear little birds shake the tree_,  
_That silver and gold should cover me__.' _

_But that's close enough... Anyways, the birds threw down a dress of gold._

"Fuck yeah! Two birds with one stone! Oh, buuuuuuuurn! It's pigeon pie for chow time!"

_When Cinderella's done with her graphically violent bird-murdering spree she will put on the dress._

Guo Nuwang looked up as four tones of metallic fabric landed on her face.

_So after she regained consciousness, Cinderella put on the beautiful dress of gold and went to the ball-_

"What the hell is this thing? Oh my God it's part of the Challenger!" Guo Nuwang shouted.

_As I was saying, Cinderella put on the beautiful dress of gold-_

"A dress? This has got to be the most ridiculous tablecloth I've seen and I live in the 3rd century. Can't I just sell it for scrap metal?"

_Cinderella put on the beautiful dress of gold- wrong way, that's the back, turn it around- and walked to the palace ball._

"What? I have to walk forty-two miles in high heels and a Ferrero Rochero wrapper to go to a stupid party? Don't I get a horse made out of a squash or a tomato or something?"

_Sorry, the original Cinderella doesn't get a carriage. Start walking._

"I don't even want to go in the first place. You know what, I think I'm going to stay home. My Team Fortress group is probably needing their Heavy-"

_And so Cinderella finally moved her ass and went to the ball, or she would if she knew what's best for her and doesn't want to end up in The Frog Princess instead!_

"That's low!" Guo Nuwang shouted angrily. "Look, this isn't in my contract. …In fact, I don't remember signing up for _anything_ like this at all!"

_In a totally unrelated and innocuous note, Dong Zhuo is trying on his Frog costume right now…_

"You're meaner than me, and I catfought Lady Zhen to death," Guo Nuwang muttered. She threw the high heels at the pigeons and stuck her feet into her old, fetid sneakers.

_Well, at least now Cinderella's on her way to the ball._

"Forty two miles of heart attack, here I come…"

_Cinderella is probably glad that all her PE classes paid off._

Guo Nuwang wrinkled her nose. "PE? You are kidding me. I've never taken a single PE class. I was always in orchestra. Oh my God are we there yet?"

_Keep walking. You haven't even gotten onto the main road yet and you're already out of breath?_

"Exercise… Is… For… Losers…" Guo Nuwang puffed. "I feel like my chest is crushing itself."

* * *

_When Cinderella arrived at the ball, everyone was amazed at the beauty of the mysterious stranger. They thought that she must be a foreign princess, so luxuriously was she dressed and so comely she was._

"Oh, Xu Huang look, an antique rug just walked in- wait, is that a drag queen?" Cao Ren asked, taking a break from standing around looking intimidating to speak with his friend, or at least far as Xu Huang could have friends.

"No, you can see it has breasts. But yeah, with that face I'd be trying to draw attention _away_ from myself," Xu Huang agreed.

"I am going to have an aneurysm!" Zhang He announced. "And it will _not_ be beautiful!"

* * *

_Everyone was mesmerized by her beauty and grace._

"How the hell do I walk in this thing? Forty two miles and I still haven't figured out!"

* * *

_Of Cinderella they never thought at all, and supposed that she was sitting at home, arid picking the lentils out of the ashes. The King's son__ set eyes upon her face and was instantly smitten. He __came to meet her, and took her by the hand and danced with her, and he refused to stand up with any one else, so that he might not be obliged to let go her hand; and when any one came to claim it he answered, "She is my partner."_

"Oh, look, it's Guo Nuwang wearing a pile of foil," Lady Zhen commented. "I wonder what she's doing here."

"Can't be," Lady Du replied. "It's Team Fortress Night. What would she be doing away from the computer?"

"Good point."

Cao Pi bowed and smirked coolly. "Hello there pretty- uh…. Hello there," he said. "I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

"Fuck you."

Cao Pi frowned. "…I don't think is how it's supposed to go…"

_When Cinderella is finished trying to fit the entire buffet table into her evening clutch maybe she'll dance with the handsome prince? _

"HAH! I knew I didn't bring this duffel for nothing!"

"Oh my God…" Cao Pi groaned.

* * *

_They danced together the whole time. And when the evening came she wanted to go home, but the prince said he would go with her to take care of her, for he wanted to see where the beautiful maiden lived. _

Guo Nuwang took two steps out the door before stopping and turning around to face Cao Pi. "Dude, back off. Don't follow me home, that's just creepy."

"I couldn't let you walk away from me. It hurt just to imagine it. They don't understand why I can't leave you alone. I go a little berserk when I try to leave you. I don't think I'll go so far again. It's not worth it. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry. You're interesting when you sleep. You talk. "

"Go wank yourself, Pedward." Guo Nuwang got a can of pepper spray from her pocket and took careful aim.

_Ssssss._

"ARKJDKLFSDJOUCHHHHHH!"

* * *

_But she broke away from him, and ran into the garden at the back of the house. There stood a fine large tree, bearing splendid pears; she leapt as lightly as a squirrel among the branches, and the prince did not know what had become of her. So he waited until the father came, and then he told him that the strange maiden had rushed from him, and that he thought she had gone up into the pear-tree. The father thought to himself, "It cannot surely be Cinderella," and called for an axe, and felled the tree, but there was no one in it._

Guo Nuwang stared at the tree, her mouth open.

"There is no way I am climbing that thing."

_Cinderella, get up the tree._

"Don't I get a ladder? Screw this," Guo Nuwang said, and just walked past the tree and went home.

* * *

A few minutes later, Cao Pi and his guards came running by. "I saw her in the tree! Let's cut it down!"

Sima Yi snorted. "…Why would she be in a tree? Can't we just yell up there or send someone to climb it? Besides, if we chop it down it might fall down and kill her. Or worse, us."

"I don't care I want to chop down the tree!" Cao Pi shouted. And so it was done, but naturally there wasn't anyone in it except for a few species of endangered birds and the rare Golden-Crested monkey.

* * *

_But the prince chanced upon her shoe. H__e picked it up, and saw that it was of gold, and very small and slender. The next morning he went to the father and told him that none should be his bride save the one whose foot the golden shoe should fit._

"You're going to marry someone based on their shoe size?" Cao Cao asked skeptically. "There bound to be plenty of women who have huge size eight-and-a-half feet! You'll probably end up marrying a lumberjack."

"No, I want to marry the person who fits the shoe!" Cao Pi whined.

Cao Cao sighed. "Fine, fine, let's see this shoe, and someone throw that rotten banana peel away, it really smells."

"Father, that's not a banana peel. That's the shoe."

Cao Cao stared and coughed. "Get it out of here! It smells horrible! Son, if you end up marrying a rugby player don't blame me!"

* * *

_But nowhere in the land could the prince find a woman whose feet fit the tiny shoe!_

"Oh my God we can't even get that old hobo lady to try this piece of shit on! How bad is it?" Cao Pi sighed.

"I don't know. I think Dian Wei'll tell us as soon as he regains consciousness."

* * *

_When the prince came to Cinderella's house, the eldest went to try on the shoe, but alas her feet were still too big, so she cut her toe off. But the prince saw the blood and knew that she was not the right bride._

Zhen Ji stared at the fetid mass in horror. "What _is _that? Is it alive?"

"No, it is a shoe. Whoever fits the shoe will marry me," Cao Pi said smoothly. "By the way, are you free later this evening?"

Zhen Ji clenched her teeth in disgust. "I'm not putting that on. It's final. It's diseased," she snapped.

"Oh, just try it on!" Stepmother exclaimed and forced Zhen Ji to put the disgusting thing on.

Zhen Ji promptly fainted.

"She cannot stand the smell of the shoe. She could not have been the one who wore it," Sima Yi said solemnly.

* * *

_So the second sister went to try on the shoe, but her foot was too big, so she cut off her heel. But the prince saw the blood and knew that she was not the right bride._

"Lady Du, won't you please try on the shoe?"

Lady Du took one look at the shoe and said, "Hell no."

"But you can marry the prince if you can fit the shoe!" Zhang He crooned.

"I don't want to marry the prince _that_ badly," she snorted.

Cao Pi looked a little bit offended.

"Anyways, I'm going to go, kay? I feel faint being in the same room as that mess," she said. But her mother forced her to try on the shoe and once again, she fainted.

"The smell made her pass out. She cannot be the right bride."

* * *

_And so Cinderella had to appear. First she washed her face and hands quite clean, and went in and curtseyed to the prince, who held out to her the golden shoe. Then she sat down on a stool, drew her foot out of the heavy wooden shoe, and slipped it into the golden one, which fitted it perfectly. And when she stood up, and the prince looked in her face, he knew again the beautiful maiden that had danced with him, and he cried, "This is the right bride!" _

"Oh, thanks, I knew I left it somewhere," Guo Nuwang said, picking the shoe up and slipping it on her foot. "Thanks. Seeya." She turned around to walk away, but Cao Pi grabbed her shoulder. "I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I've left it with you. And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. What a sick, masochistic lion." I hate you for making me want you so much. You don't know how long I've waited for you."

Guo Nuwang sprayed him with pepper spray again.

* * *

_And so, Cinderella married the prince and lived happily ever after._

Guo Nuwang stared at Zhen Ji and Lady Du. "What are you guys doing here?" she asked.

"Cao Pi's taking us as concubines. We're going with you," Lady Du said.

* * *

Oops, just flat jokes and slowly crossing-the-line-of-taste humor. Oh well, I hope you at least liked the misplaced references.


End file.
